things infertile women want people to know.

This blog has long been dead. With the takeover of instagram in my life and the immediate share factor of social media, blogging has definitely taken a backseat. Sometimes, though, words are more important than pictures, and there is so much more of an intimate feel in a blog - you can know more background, rather than just assuming about the person sharing. So here I am. Sharing one of the deepest parts of my heart. 

It's National Infertility Awareness Week, of which you probably are aware if you've struggled with it, or are close to someone who has, or you may have no clue. Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive after one year (six months if the woman is over age 35) or the inability to carry a pregnancy to live birth. 1 in 8 couples suffer from infertility for varied reasons.

Please let me begin this conversation by saying that I mean only good to anyone reading this post. I pray that God takes my words and uses them for good. I am not looking for pity - I covet every prayer you send up for me and my husband during this time in our life. 

Austin and I are about to enter our third year of trying to start a family. We are the 1 in 8 couple. It's a very personal and painful journey that I'm not quite ready to share the specific details of, but if you'd like to know more, please feel free to ask. I decided to revive this blog to share some things about infertility because a picture and caption on Instagram just can't convey everything this heart holds sometimes.

Things Infertile Women Want People To Know  

I've spent a lot of time reading other blogs and posts and articles about infertility, and the ones that speak the most to me are those that convey the things I want others who aren't struggling to know. Infertility is a very, very lonely place. Our journey is one that has been walked many times by others, but finding those people is difficult. Infertility is a disease that often times makes you feel different. Alone. Insecure. Embarrassed. Forgotten. Broken. And Overlooked. It makes you avoid the ones you love and doubt the God you serve. It suffocates your hope. Weakens your faith. And steals your joy. It makes you feel helpless as there is little you can do to change your condition. And if there is? You have tried it. No one wants to talk about infertility - it's sad, it feels shameful, but it's SO common. Here's some things we want you to know.

 I'll just come out and say it... we are jealous of you.

Please know that we in no way hate you for being able to bear children and would never wish this hurt we feel on our worst enemy. But there's no use in denying it... infertile women are jealous of women with children. We see the connection, the love, and the amazing bond that you have with them. We see the joy they bring to your life every day and we want that for ourselves more than anything. We would give up everything for it, spend our last dime to get it, and die to know what it's like. We aren't mad that you're happy... we just want some of that happiness too. Even though there may be times of awkwardness and times when we are jealous of you, we still want to be friends with you. We want to be involved in your lives, and even in the lives of your children. We care about your growing families, your pregnancies, your joys, and your struggles. We already feel isolated because of our circumstances... please don't add to that by excluding us from your lives because you're worried about us feeling uncomfortable.

 Cards, emails, words of kindness, and caring acts are appreciated more than you know.

Infertility breeds tons of self-esteem issues, insecurity, and feelings of being on "the outside". One little handwritten note, text, or thoughtful action could make our entire week. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women, though infertility is always looming no matter what day it is. One simple thought - a card, a bouquet of flowers, or a cup of coffee could brighten one of those days.

 Don't take it personally if we decline a baby shower invitation or a gender reveal.

Honestly, our not being in attendance is doing everyone a favor! Seriously... do you really want us to look sad the entire time and risk a sudden outburst of tears? Nah... I think not. You're safer to accept the fact that we are truly happy for the lucky lady, but don't want to ruin her special day by being a gloomy guest. We are in the prime age of life when all our friends are pregnant or have kids, and when constantly surrounded by talk of babies and pregnancy by those around us, it only serves to isolate us and cause the pain to deepen.

 
We are constantly hurting.

I'm sure that sounds like an overstatement to someone who hasn't been in our shoes. For those that have, you know EXACTLY what I mean and can probably still feel that bitter pain every time you think about that time in your life. Things the average person would never think about add to our hurt every day. Something as simple as a commercial about diapers with a baby crawling across the floor or seeing a mama out with her little ones or even just walking by the baby clothes in Target are all daily reminders of what we are missing. It feels like a huge knife is stuck in your chest and every time you are reminded of your emptiness that knife gets pushed deeper and deeper. The pain, though less intense at times, never goes away. Infertility inhibits being able to live in the moment. It’s being in a fog where all you think about and see is the struggle while missing the life that is passing you by. It’s being consumed with everything infertility related and the thought of never having a baby instead of enjoying the blessings all around.

 Telling us to "just adopt" doesn't help.

Adoption will not magically erase the pain of infertility. It is definitely something that most infertile couples consider, but the desire to bear your own children won't just disappear by adopting. Then there's the money aspect. Here is my response to that... "Sure! After we have spent thousands on infertility treatments let me just pull out that extra $25k that I have stashed under my mattress and 'just' go adopt!"

 Please don't give us advice on how to get pregnant. Believe me, we've already read, heard, and tried it all!

We do understand that you are sincerely trying to help, but more than likely everything you say to us we have already tried (and more!). We have heard every story, researched every option, and we really don't want to hear about how your cousin's best friend's sister-in-law knew a girl that tried such and such and magically conceived. That's great for them, but we aren't that girl and you probably don't know the details of her situation or ours.  Infertility can be mind-consuming and really tests the strength of your soul at times. Telling us how it worked for you or someone you know doesn’t help ease our hearts.

Understand that we can't empathize with you when you complain about pregnancy or your children.

Just being around pregnant women is painful for us. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what we cannot have, but there are things you can do as a friend to make it easier. The number one thing is to please, please don't complain about your pregnancy to us. I understand that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but please don't put us in the situation to comfort you. I think part of the "infertility rite of passage" is making a promise to God and/or yourself that you will NOT complain about pregnancy or your children if that day ever comes. Hearing someone complain about morning sickness, lost sleep, or whiny kids can literally make you cringe inside. When you wait, hope, pray, and shed countless tears as we have, you simply can't relate to women that take the miracles they have for granted. We understand that motherhood is hard. We aren't expecting every day with children to be perfect. We would gladly trade your worst day with children for our best day without them.

Don't be afraid to talk to us about it.

Unlike other difficult life situations, infertility is a struggle that you‘re told yes or no every single month. If we have put it out there that we are going through this struggle, it’s ok to ask how we‘re doing. In fact we want to be asked! I’m still the same person/friend, sometimes I just hurt. You don’t have to be awkward around me or be afraid to ask questions. It doesn’t hurt me to talk about my infertility – it hurts me to feel alone and like I will burden someone by bringing it up. Infertility is more common than you might think and there is likely a friend or family member silently struggling with it. In the same regard, don't talk to OTHER people about it. Infertility is very private and can be embarrassing, which is why many couples chose to keep it a secret. Respect our privacy and don't gossip about it or share any information without asking. One of the best ways you can support ANYONE with infertility is to head to resolve.org and educating yourself on what we're going through, then focus hard on the section entitled "infertility etiquette" under SUPPORT for family and friends. It's as if someone took all my exact thoughts and put them into nice words I want the whole world to read. 

We covet your prayers. 

There can never be enough prayers going up for women and couples dealing with infertility. Not sure how to pray? Pray for our emotional and physical state and for our faith in God to stay strong. We are dealing with the reality of possibly never being able to have a family, with the physical problems associated with the cause of our infertility, and are on a constant emotional roller coaster month after month as we continue to try to conceive. In addition to all of that, most infertile couples are dealing with extreme financial stress since insurance does not pay for ANYTHING related to infertility. All of those things can be taxing on our relationship with God, so prayers for our spiritual well being are welcomed as well.

We don't know where this road is taking us, but I'm so grateful that God hold us in his hand and has a plan for our family. Galatians 6:2 says "Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ"...and I'm thankful too, that we have those around us helping to bear this burden.